DEAR DEIDRE: I DISCOVERED recently that my husband has been having an affair for years with his cousin.
We are in our late fifties, and married 20 years ago. We have two grown-up sons.
I thought we were happy but last week I came home from work to see a note from him.
All he told me was he couldn’t live a lie any longer and was leaving.
In shock, I called my mother-in-law who was in tears on the phone.
She said he had been sleeping with his cousin for years, and that she only found out that morning when he shared his plan to move away with this other woman. I was mortified and embarrassed.
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My husband has always been close with his family — especially this cousin, who is of a similar age to us.
I always found their relationship a bit odd and, at times, unsettling.
They used to regularly go for dinner at fancy restaurants and he would always seek her out at family gatherings. I’ve even come home from work to find them alone in our home.
I had questioned it a few times but my husband always insisted she was like a sister to him, as her father had passed away when she was only five.
There is even a family photo on my mother-in-law’s fireplace and his cousin is at the centre of the children.
I’m struggling to accept how he can leave me and our sons, who are young adults but still living at home, for her.
His family have been very supportive, as they feel embarrassed, but ultimately he is still their family.
I feel so alone.
I can’t open up to his relatives, my parents have died and I have no siblings.
My husband was my life and I have few friends.
DEIDRE SAYS: You will still be in shock after this devastating news.
So allow yourself the space to be kind to yourself.
Your husband has let you down badly by having this affair, and for such a long time.
But you know the truth now and, given time, you can start to come to terms with this reality.
Please do not bottle up these feelings. Talk to your friends and, if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, then letting out your fears to a counsellor would be hugely helpful.
Think about opening up to your sons, too. They will already know something is seriously wrong.
Allow them to help you. They may already know, and may have been keeping quiet to protect you.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart explains where you can get counselling help from and how you can pick up the pieces.